It damn near killed me.......

I had some small success today. 

While I went over the calorie limit that I set for myself today, I didn't kill it like yesterday.  It went as follows:

Breakfast: 330 calories

• 1 egg scrambles with salsa on a white corn tortilla 
• 1 packet of toasty crackers with peanut butter

The Greek yogurt that I planned to eat was outdated so I improvised but still dreamed of John Stamos.  MMMMM......

Snack: 560 calories

•       2 Brioche buns  

 Admittedly this was not the best idea that I had but everyone else was eating some kind of egg concoction that they made in the kitchen and I grabbed a bun instead.... but I was starving so I had another.  It was not until I looked up the calories that I realized my mistake but I stopped feeling guilty about it, dropped it and moved on. 

Lunch: 424 calories

•        2 pork and cheese papusas

These were delicious and not as bad calorie-wise as I thought. If you've never had one, try it.  They are a Salvadorian delight. 

Dinner: 630 calories

•        1 chicken pot pie

This was not not my choice of dinner but I was 1)starving and 2)broke so I took what I could get.

So, even though I went over my 1500 calorie allotment, it was better than yesterday because.........

I got on the treadmill.....but it damn near killed me.   Thirty minutes on the treadmill at 2 mph. Not too bad but my back was killing me the entire time.  I stretched before I got on and stopped during and stretched again but it still was hurting but I soldiered on and coached myself to a finish. I wanted to give up so bad but told myself that I would do just 5 more minutes. After that, I did just 5 more and then another 5 more until I was done. 

This is exactly what I looked like!

So, here's to small victories, even if the fight won is against myself. 

     

 

RELEASE THE KRAKEN !

So, it's been quite some time since I last checked in.  I am happy to say that I am still smoke free - almost 2 years now. Yeah for me and the people around me.

Unfortunately, smoking was masking another health problem.  About a year ago, I found out that I had low thyroid.  I was tired all the time, had no energy, started growing hair where I wasn't suppose to and the most significant of all symptoms, enormous weight gain.

Yep, I gained another 50 lbs on top of what I already weighed.  It's horrible. My doctor told me that if I didn't loose it soon, that I wouldn't live to be 50.  That's a serious problem.  Once we get the thyroid regulated, he told me, the weight will start dropping off. It took about 6 months to find the right dosage and you know what?   The weight is still here.  I've been bouncing around the same weight, give or take 10 lbs for the last year.   I can't seem to push past that bubble.

I've now decided that since blogging about smoking helped me to quit, well then I am going to blog about weight loss and getting healthy-the ups and downs and everything in between-so that I can be accountable to someone or something other than myself. I know that it's been done to death by other people and there is nothing original about it, but you know what?  I don't care. If it helps me, then call me selfish because I am going to do it.

Starting with today.

Today I was PMS'ing.  At one point I yelled out at work, "Release the Kraken for God's sake and just get it over with."  I feel so bloated that I look like the Little Red Balloon from that movie they used to make us watch in elementary school and which, surprisingly, is presently available on Hulu.

My diet reflected my day.

It started out on a good note:

                      2 white corn tortillas, 2 eggs, and salsa-233 calories

Then, I started to slide:

                      White Chocolate Scone-470 calories

The worst:

                      Habit cheeseburger, fries and coke-1365 calories

And since I don't have much room left:

                      Dad's stuff-568 calories

Exercise:

                     NONE-didn't have the energy....LOL!

I wanted to post a motivation picture to refer to (above) but I realize that I look smokin' hot it it.  It was my 20th year reunion a couple of months ago.

So, here is another one where I look like a dork and can see how fat I look.

Anyway, I welcome your comments and possibly suggestions on what worked for you and what didn't.

Here I go on my journey.....watch me go!

5 Stages of Grief

It's been 77 hours since my last cigarette - yeah for me - but my emotions have been all over the place since then.

Boredom - Check

Anger - Check

Crying Jags - Check

When I am busy at work, I don't even think about smoking. Sometimes, however, I feel an emotion so deep and so hurtful that it takes my breath away. The longing is so profound that it can only be described as grief. I am grieving. I know this because I have 4 out of the 5 symptoms of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation

Yesterday, I avoided my family like the plague. I felt so alone that I just wanted to be left alone to wallow. I didn't even want to talk about it - denied that I had a problem. - I'm fine, Mom! GOD, just leave me alone!

2. Anger

Last night I felt such an intense and irrational anger towards my daughter that I wanted to cry. She knew it really wasn't about her and asked to know the source but I couldn't even speak to her after my initial outburst. I can only apologize and say that I am sorry for what happened.

3. Bargaining

I have tried to rationalize having just one cigarette. - Only one, that's it and I promise I won't have any more. Fortunately, I know that one cigarette is my trigger. I can't have just one like some people. I am an addict - as much as Lindsey Lohan is a drug addict, Danny Bonaduce is an alcoholic and Tiger Woods is a sex addict - my drug of choice is cigarettes. So, bargaining with other items is an option. Yesterday, as well as today, I had McDonald's for breakfast - Breakfast Burrito with Hashbrowns and Large Sweet Tea, with 3 Sugar Cookies - and I didn't even feel guilty about it. No guilt - until the first of the year - thats my bargain.

4. Depression

I was depressed before I stopped smoking because I couldn't stop smoking. Now I am depressed because I quit smoking. It's a vicious cycle.

5. Acceptance

This is the only stage that I have yet to feel. I am not really sure if I'll ever hit this stage. Will I always want a cigarette? Yes. Will I ever accept that I an ex-smoker? Probably not.

I'm sure I will cycle these stages several more times over the following years. That's the thing about grief - it never goes away.

Other Plans

This morning I got up at about 6am, took a shower, got dressed and was about to walk out the door at 650am when I realized I didn't have my keys. I could not find them, anywhere. I woke up Emily - Did you take them over to Grandma's? - No! Did you get anything out of the truck last night? No! Where the hell were they?

When I realized I was going to be late, I texted Marty from work and told him I was going to be late - couldn't find the keys. He sent a text back - Weren't you coming in at 9am today? Well, it sounded a a brillant plan to me so...

I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I sat down in my chair, looked over at the other chair in my living room and there were my keys. I guess fate decided I needed another hour of sleep this morning. I couldn't have agreed more.

Test

I am just testing my mobile blogging capabilities.

The is a test! This is only a test.

Sent from my iPhone

30 Hours and Counting

It has been 30 hours since I had my last cigarette. Surprising, it really hasn't been all that bad. I've been keeping busy with alot of time on the computer, shopping for Christmas and knitting.

Last night, I spent a lot of time at Outlander Book Club, got caught up on many topics and asked a few of my own.

Today, I've been catching up on my Christmas movie collection - movies that I have to watch every year to help me get into the Christmas spirit. Earlier I watched Love Actually with Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman. I absolutely love this move as it shows that there are all types of love - romantic love, innocent love, brotherly/sisterly love, etc. Not everything is beautiful and gets tied up in a pretty bow, as happens in real life.

Emily and I also got our ears pierced today, my second hole and Emily's first - redone. It looks awesome.

I wanted to wish my Dad a Happy 71st Birthday today. I love you so much.

Now, I am going to find out how to post to my blog via my phone. We'll see what happens.

OK, so I am back. Almost eight months to the day that I last left off. At first I was having computer problems, but when I got it back, well, I just didn't have anything to say.

Does it suprise anyone that I am in the same place 8 months later? Not me, but maybe that is part of the problem. I've actually gained some weight and haven't done much of anything else. I've been bored to tears and really depressed. Some days - usually for long periods of time - I can hardly get out of bed, while other days I'm fine.

The cause of these depressing episodes? Nothing has happened in my life. Not. One. Thing. I haven't done ANYTHING to progress my life forward. I work in a job that I don't really like. I stopped going to school at the beginning of the year so that I may get a full time job but that didn't pan out. So I am bored - I mean really bored - and not challenged anymore.

So the new year is going to bring about changes in my life. Now that I have identified the problems, I can work about changing them.

So here is the one of thing I am going to work on now:

Quit Smoking

This is my number one priority. I've been smoking, almost continually, for 18 years. I quit when I was pregnant with my daughter and then again for a year but made the mistake of thinking that I could have just one. What a huge mistake. It won't happen again.

I just realized that I don't even enjoy it anymore. It now just feels like this huge monkey on my back that I can't shake off and am weighed down by it.

OK, so here goes!

There! Did you see it? I JUST QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke Emily up and had her throw away a full pack of cigarettes, and a few extra left over from the previous pack, in the garbage can outside, in the rain.

The monkey is off my back.