5 Stages of Grief

It's been 77 hours since my last cigarette - yeah for me - but my emotions have been all over the place since then.

Boredom - Check

Anger - Check

Crying Jags - Check

When I am busy at work, I don't even think about smoking. Sometimes, however, I feel an emotion so deep and so hurtful that it takes my breath away. The longing is so profound that it can only be described as grief. I am grieving. I know this because I have 4 out of the 5 symptoms of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation

Yesterday, I avoided my family like the plague. I felt so alone that I just wanted to be left alone to wallow. I didn't even want to talk about it - denied that I had a problem. - I'm fine, Mom! GOD, just leave me alone!

2. Anger

Last night I felt such an intense and irrational anger towards my daughter that I wanted to cry. She knew it really wasn't about her and asked to know the source but I couldn't even speak to her after my initial outburst. I can only apologize and say that I am sorry for what happened.

3. Bargaining

I have tried to rationalize having just one cigarette. - Only one, that's it and I promise I won't have any more. Fortunately, I know that one cigarette is my trigger. I can't have just one like some people. I am an addict - as much as Lindsey Lohan is a drug addict, Danny Bonaduce is an alcoholic and Tiger Woods is a sex addict - my drug of choice is cigarettes. So, bargaining with other items is an option. Yesterday, as well as today, I had McDonald's for breakfast - Breakfast Burrito with Hashbrowns and Large Sweet Tea, with 3 Sugar Cookies - and I didn't even feel guilty about it. No guilt - until the first of the year - thats my bargain.

4. Depression

I was depressed before I stopped smoking because I couldn't stop smoking. Now I am depressed because I quit smoking. It's a vicious cycle.

5. Acceptance

This is the only stage that I have yet to feel. I am not really sure if I'll ever hit this stage. Will I always want a cigarette? Yes. Will I ever accept that I an ex-smoker? Probably not.

I'm sure I will cycle these stages several more times over the following years. That's the thing about grief - it never goes away.