I weigh WHAT??????????????

I have struggled with my weight almost my entire life. Even as a child, I remember being overweight and consciously thinking that somehow it wasn't right. So, when we were 15, my sister Stacy and I talked our mom into letting us join Weight Watchers. Mom joined too and we all did well. We were motivated, we were pumped. We, Stacy and I, joined a gym. For the first time, I saw results that I liked. My self-confidence grew and I felt good. And I remember - that one day - when I hit the lowest weight I had ever been. I had lost 5 pounds that week and I was on top of the world.

And then life intruded. I was going out more and more with my new friends and it wasn't so easy to maintain the Weight Watchers lifestyle. Late night Taco Bell runs were not conducive to counting exchanges (as they were called back then). Going to the gym really didn't fit into my schedule anymore. Stacy, however, did not have this problem. She was so motivated that she even hired a personal trainer to help her and boy, did her efforts pay off. What I didn't know at the time was that Stacy already had a goal in mind. She was going to join the Air Force and she needed to be very healthy. She was and she looked great and felt great. I was so jealous.

So when Stacy went away, I was pretty much on my own. Needless to say, all my weight loss efforts went to the wayside and I didn't have another breakthrough until I was living in Florida and working for American Eagle Airlines. My job, you see, was to load and unload luggage in sweltering heat, torrential rain and freezing cold. I loved it. The best part of it was, I didn't have to make an effort to exercise and could eat whatever I wanted. I exercised 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and got paid for it. I looked smokin' hot and could even see my muscles in my arms and thighs. A first!

And then, I got pregnant. (I guess I was looking too good). So my weight loss efforts in the last 13 years have been iffy at best. I made some progress about 10 years ago but again, life intruded. So here I am, determined that this time it will be different and about to do the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I am going to tell you my age and weight. I'll let you decide which one is which..............35.....................192.6.

I'll pause for the gasp and "Oh My God!" - go ahead, I'll wait.


I wondered why it was so scary to admit and realized that if I said it out loud, it must be true. So there it is, the truth about by weight. It's not pretty and is sure as hell scarier than any nightmare I have ever had.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I've always prided myself on being honest with everyone. I don't lie. Ever. To anyone. Well, at least in my adult life. (There was the occasional lie to my parents when I was a teenager and sneaking out of the house with boys, but that's a whole different story entirely.) So, imagine my surprise with I discovered, recently, that I had been lying to the most important person in my life.

ME!!

I have been doing it for years. Deluding myself into thinking that my very own Mr. Darcy, looking very much like Colin Firth, would show up in his wet, white shirt, after a swim in his pond, declare his love for me and whisk me away to Pemberley where I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning the house, doing the laundry or cooking (all of which I can't stand to do). Suddenly, I would be thin, wouldn't have to worry about money ("Ten thousand a year"), car problems, work problems, or any the other things that keep me awake at night, tossing and turning in my bed. I could spend my days reading and walking about the countryside. And, most of all, I WOULD BE HAPPY. I blame Jane Austin.

Well, maybe I haven't always lied to myself as I've always known that only I can make my own happiness, while still secretly hoping my life was a Jane Austin novel.

But the fact of the matter is making my own happiness is too damn hard, or at least that was the excuse I gave myself. I would, first, have to look inside myself to find what would make me happy, while being afraid of what I would find if I looked too close. Second, I would have to stop procrastinating, being lazy and making excuses (my favorite things to do).

So, two things happened that made me start this blog. First, my Weight Watcher leader, Loretta, spoke about how tracking (or journaling) was a good way to be accountable for the things happen in our lives, whether victories or failures. We can look back and see what worked and what didn't. Second, I realized that since I don't lie to anyone, except myself, that if I put all the good, bad and ugly that is my life out for other people to read, then I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

So, here it is.........My Life.