5 Stages of Grief

It's been 77 hours since my last cigarette - yeah for me - but my emotions have been all over the place since then.

Boredom - Check

Anger - Check

Crying Jags - Check

When I am busy at work, I don't even think about smoking. Sometimes, however, I feel an emotion so deep and so hurtful that it takes my breath away. The longing is so profound that it can only be described as grief. I am grieving. I know this because I have 4 out of the 5 symptoms of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation

Yesterday, I avoided my family like the plague. I felt so alone that I just wanted to be left alone to wallow. I didn't even want to talk about it - denied that I had a problem. - I'm fine, Mom! GOD, just leave me alone!

2. Anger

Last night I felt such an intense and irrational anger towards my daughter that I wanted to cry. She knew it really wasn't about her and asked to know the source but I couldn't even speak to her after my initial outburst. I can only apologize and say that I am sorry for what happened.

3. Bargaining

I have tried to rationalize having just one cigarette. - Only one, that's it and I promise I won't have any more. Fortunately, I know that one cigarette is my trigger. I can't have just one like some people. I am an addict - as much as Lindsey Lohan is a drug addict, Danny Bonaduce is an alcoholic and Tiger Woods is a sex addict - my drug of choice is cigarettes. So, bargaining with other items is an option. Yesterday, as well as today, I had McDonald's for breakfast - Breakfast Burrito with Hashbrowns and Large Sweet Tea, with 3 Sugar Cookies - and I didn't even feel guilty about it. No guilt - until the first of the year - thats my bargain.

4. Depression

I was depressed before I stopped smoking because I couldn't stop smoking. Now I am depressed because I quit smoking. It's a vicious cycle.

5. Acceptance

This is the only stage that I have yet to feel. I am not really sure if I'll ever hit this stage. Will I always want a cigarette? Yes. Will I ever accept that I an ex-smoker? Probably not.

I'm sure I will cycle these stages several more times over the following years. That's the thing about grief - it never goes away.

Other Plans

This morning I got up at about 6am, took a shower, got dressed and was about to walk out the door at 650am when I realized I didn't have my keys. I could not find them, anywhere. I woke up Emily - Did you take them over to Grandma's? - No! Did you get anything out of the truck last night? No! Where the hell were they?

When I realized I was going to be late, I texted Marty from work and told him I was going to be late - couldn't find the keys. He sent a text back - Weren't you coming in at 9am today? Well, it sounded a a brillant plan to me so...

I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I sat down in my chair, looked over at the other chair in my living room and there were my keys. I guess fate decided I needed another hour of sleep this morning. I couldn't have agreed more.

Test

I am just testing my mobile blogging capabilities.

The is a test! This is only a test.

Sent from my iPhone

30 Hours and Counting

It has been 30 hours since I had my last cigarette. Surprising, it really hasn't been all that bad. I've been keeping busy with alot of time on the computer, shopping for Christmas and knitting.

Last night, I spent a lot of time at Outlander Book Club, got caught up on many topics and asked a few of my own.

Today, I've been catching up on my Christmas movie collection - movies that I have to watch every year to help me get into the Christmas spirit. Earlier I watched Love Actually with Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman. I absolutely love this move as it shows that there are all types of love - romantic love, innocent love, brotherly/sisterly love, etc. Not everything is beautiful and gets tied up in a pretty bow, as happens in real life.

Emily and I also got our ears pierced today, my second hole and Emily's first - redone. It looks awesome.

I wanted to wish my Dad a Happy 71st Birthday today. I love you so much.

Now, I am going to find out how to post to my blog via my phone. We'll see what happens.

OK, so I am back. Almost eight months to the day that I last left off. At first I was having computer problems, but when I got it back, well, I just didn't have anything to say.

Does it suprise anyone that I am in the same place 8 months later? Not me, but maybe that is part of the problem. I've actually gained some weight and haven't done much of anything else. I've been bored to tears and really depressed. Some days - usually for long periods of time - I can hardly get out of bed, while other days I'm fine.

The cause of these depressing episodes? Nothing has happened in my life. Not. One. Thing. I haven't done ANYTHING to progress my life forward. I work in a job that I don't really like. I stopped going to school at the beginning of the year so that I may get a full time job but that didn't pan out. So I am bored - I mean really bored - and not challenged anymore.

So the new year is going to bring about changes in my life. Now that I have identified the problems, I can work about changing them.

So here is the one of thing I am going to work on now:

Quit Smoking

This is my number one priority. I've been smoking, almost continually, for 18 years. I quit when I was pregnant with my daughter and then again for a year but made the mistake of thinking that I could have just one. What a huge mistake. It won't happen again.

I just realized that I don't even enjoy it anymore. It now just feels like this huge monkey on my back that I can't shake off and am weighed down by it.

OK, so here goes!

There! Did you see it? I JUST QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke Emily up and had her throw away a full pack of cigarettes, and a few extra left over from the previous pack, in the garbage can outside, in the rain.

The monkey is off my back.

I weigh WHAT??????????????

I have struggled with my weight almost my entire life. Even as a child, I remember being overweight and consciously thinking that somehow it wasn't right. So, when we were 15, my sister Stacy and I talked our mom into letting us join Weight Watchers. Mom joined too and we all did well. We were motivated, we were pumped. We, Stacy and I, joined a gym. For the first time, I saw results that I liked. My self-confidence grew and I felt good. And I remember - that one day - when I hit the lowest weight I had ever been. I had lost 5 pounds that week and I was on top of the world.

And then life intruded. I was going out more and more with my new friends and it wasn't so easy to maintain the Weight Watchers lifestyle. Late night Taco Bell runs were not conducive to counting exchanges (as they were called back then). Going to the gym really didn't fit into my schedule anymore. Stacy, however, did not have this problem. She was so motivated that she even hired a personal trainer to help her and boy, did her efforts pay off. What I didn't know at the time was that Stacy already had a goal in mind. She was going to join the Air Force and she needed to be very healthy. She was and she looked great and felt great. I was so jealous.

So when Stacy went away, I was pretty much on my own. Needless to say, all my weight loss efforts went to the wayside and I didn't have another breakthrough until I was living in Florida and working for American Eagle Airlines. My job, you see, was to load and unload luggage in sweltering heat, torrential rain and freezing cold. I loved it. The best part of it was, I didn't have to make an effort to exercise and could eat whatever I wanted. I exercised 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and got paid for it. I looked smokin' hot and could even see my muscles in my arms and thighs. A first!

And then, I got pregnant. (I guess I was looking too good). So my weight loss efforts in the last 13 years have been iffy at best. I made some progress about 10 years ago but again, life intruded. So here I am, determined that this time it will be different and about to do the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I am going to tell you my age and weight. I'll let you decide which one is which..............35.....................192.6.

I'll pause for the gasp and "Oh My God!" - go ahead, I'll wait.


I wondered why it was so scary to admit and realized that if I said it out loud, it must be true. So there it is, the truth about by weight. It's not pretty and is sure as hell scarier than any nightmare I have ever had.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I've always prided myself on being honest with everyone. I don't lie. Ever. To anyone. Well, at least in my adult life. (There was the occasional lie to my parents when I was a teenager and sneaking out of the house with boys, but that's a whole different story entirely.) So, imagine my surprise with I discovered, recently, that I had been lying to the most important person in my life.

ME!!

I have been doing it for years. Deluding myself into thinking that my very own Mr. Darcy, looking very much like Colin Firth, would show up in his wet, white shirt, after a swim in his pond, declare his love for me and whisk me away to Pemberley where I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning the house, doing the laundry or cooking (all of which I can't stand to do). Suddenly, I would be thin, wouldn't have to worry about money ("Ten thousand a year"), car problems, work problems, or any the other things that keep me awake at night, tossing and turning in my bed. I could spend my days reading and walking about the countryside. And, most of all, I WOULD BE HAPPY. I blame Jane Austin.

Well, maybe I haven't always lied to myself as I've always known that only I can make my own happiness, while still secretly hoping my life was a Jane Austin novel.

But the fact of the matter is making my own happiness is too damn hard, or at least that was the excuse I gave myself. I would, first, have to look inside myself to find what would make me happy, while being afraid of what I would find if I looked too close. Second, I would have to stop procrastinating, being lazy and making excuses (my favorite things to do).

So, two things happened that made me start this blog. First, my Weight Watcher leader, Loretta, spoke about how tracking (or journaling) was a good way to be accountable for the things happen in our lives, whether victories or failures. We can look back and see what worked and what didn't. Second, I realized that since I don't lie to anyone, except myself, that if I put all the good, bad and ugly that is my life out for other people to read, then I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

So, here it is.........My Life.